Matchmaker, Matchmaker
by No one and Nobody
Summary: CHAP4UP! Ukyou and Ryouga matchmake all their opponents in the ridiculous game of love in order to have better chances with Ranma and Akane but will this goal change along the way? All possible pairings included. Seriously. REVISED. MAJORLY REVISED.
1. Match me a match

**MATCHMAKER, MATCHMAKER**

**by No one and Nobody (OMG! Then who wrote it? lame joke.) **

**Ukyou and Ryouga bump into each other and end up plotting to matchmake all their rivals in love with each other in order to clear the rocky path to their destinies as the lovers of Ranma and Akane, respectively. Inevitably, chaos ensues, plans backfire, but everyone gets a happy ending- and Ukyou and Ryouga find out that it's true what they say about love- that you find it where you least expect it. **

**Disclaimer: Ranma 1/2 belongs to Rumiko Takahashi. I worship the series-making-ground she walks on! I am unworthy!**

**I messed up and did it again! it's really not that different, but you might want to read it again. I merged chapters one and two, so the updated chapter is the third one, okay? **

* * *

It was dark.

All over Nerima, all people- Martial Artists and citizens somewhere along the line of "normal" - were asleep.

Panda-men and other gluttons snored loudly, teenaged boys (whose hormones tend to be above average sometimes in Nerima) dreamt about [CENSORED!, Nabiki dreamt about money, Mousse dreamt about Shampoo, Shampoo dreamt about Ranma, and the list goes on... the point was, it was an awfully quiet, perfectly still and chaos- free night.

"AAAAARGHHHHHH!!!"

Then again, there is really no such thing in Nerima.

CLANG!

"Stop overreacting, jackass!"

"Ouch." Ryouga grumbled, rubbing the sore spot where Ukyo had hit him before coming to his own defense. "That stuff HURTS, you know?" he argued, pointing at the little bottle of liquid medication.

"Yes, it may sting a bit, but I'm afraid you'll have to bear it for a while." Doctor Tofu said, smiling apologetically.

Ukyo glared at Ryouga before turning to the doctor. "Sorry about barging in on you like this, doctor." she apologized politely, attitude changing completely.

"Y-yeah." the boy pitched in, a little embarrassed at being dragged into a doctor's place by a girl.

"That's alright, Ukyou, it was right of you to come." the doctor encouraged. "And you too, Ryouga." he said, nodding in his direction.

"Well, she kind of dragged me along..." Ryouga mumbled, looking over at Ukyou regretfully.

"What attacked you?" Dr. Tofu asked, a hint of concern in his voice. What could have attacked such strong fighters so successfully?

"Bears." Ukyo answered in an amazingly casual way.

"Bears?" the doctor exclaimed.

"Oh, and don't forget the tigers." Ryouga pointed out with just as much casualness.

"Oh yeah..." Ukyo said, resting her hand on her chin thoughtfully.

Ryouga nodded, directing his attention to the doctor. "About a hundred of them."

"I think it was more like three hundred." Ukyo corrected matter-of-factly. "Savages, they were..." she shook her head in disgust.

"What do you expect? They were literally animals." Ryouga answered back, earning a glare from her.

"I see..." Doctor Tofuu said, trying not to sound surprised. He wondered why Ryouga'd get so worked up about a little sting when... Oh, well. All he could do now was treat their wounds.

_Ding Dong _

"Excuse me for a second."

Ryouga watched the doctor stand up to answer the door, flustered at having this many "visitors" at once.

While Ryouga's eyes were busy with solving the mystery of patient number three, Ukyou chanced a glance at him.

_Why did he have to do that? _

_**With her giant spatula, Ukyou managed to push away a grizzly bear- which wasn't exactly as light as a feather. She nearly fell backwards from the impact of that push, and was almost clawed by an overgrown tiger, turning around just in time to shield herself from it.**_

_**Beginning to fall into exhaustion, she looked for the tallest tree in the forest. "That'll do." she muttered to herself, leaping onto each of its branches at lightning speed.**_

_**Once she had reached the topmost branch, she looked down to get a better view of her opponents. **_

_**This was ridiculous! How many bears and tigers were there combined? A hundred? Two hundred? THREE HUNDRED?**_

_**Well, it was her fault of course. Venturing into the dark, creepy looking woods might not have been her brightest idea.**_

_**Just as she was losing herself in her own thoughts, the deafening roar of a very capable tree-climbing tiger interrupted her.**_

_**She screamed in surprise, lost her balance, and began hurdling towards the sea of angry, clawed and fanged animals.**_

_**Ukyou closed her eyes shut, expecting the worst. She began to scream as a reflex, unable to stop herself, even if she knew no one would hear her.**_

_**She opened her eyes the second she felt a pair of strong arms break her fall.**_

_**He caught her. And what's more- he was carrying her bridal style, and it was a little embarrassing.**_

_**"It's the jackass!" she exclaimed, a little disappointed that it wasn't Ranma, although she knew that was being a little selfish.**_

_**Ignoring the nickname, Ryouga found a small space in that sea that was not occupied by either a tiger or a bear. **_

_**He put her down carefully. "Can you still fight?"**_

_**"I don't know. Are you helping me?" **_

_**"The only way out of here is if we fight our way out of here." he said, not directly answering her question.**_

_**She took out her greatest weapon in one swift response, and the two fought their way past the ridiculously blood-thirsty animals.**_

"Hey, jackass-?"

Ryouga held up a hand to shush her, which proved to be quite effective.

Did he just shut her up? How dare he! Ukyou balled her hand into a fist and raised it above his head, but stopped herself when she began to hear it, too.

"So how have you been, Dr. Tofu?" it was a lady's voice.

"Oh f-f-f-f-f-f-fine!" came his voice.

"What's going on?" Ukyou asked Ryouga.

"Not sure." That voice sounded familiar. He stood up and so did she.

"Kasumi?"

"Oh hello, Ryouga! Hello, Ukyou! What are you two doing here?" the eldest Tendo daughter asked them.

They pointed to their bandaged, bruised and bleeding selves.

"Oh my!" she said, bringing her hands to her face.

"What are you doing here?" Ukyou asked back.

"Well, everyone enjoyed dinner so much tonight, I thought I'd bring Dr. Tofu some of it." she looked at him and smiled.

He laughed out loud like a crazy fool, ripping out each and every page of his book one by one, and then proceeded to stuffing them into his mouth, thirty or so at a time.

Kasumi smiled at him as if this was normal. "Well, good night you three." she left the pot of food on a table nearby, and then left.

Ukyo and Ryouga both stared at the strange doctor.

"Do you think…"

"I think so..."

"Is it love?" they asked each other.

* * *

The doctor had managed to calm himself down after downing the entire contents of the pot in around three to four seconds.

He sat himself at the nearby table, fiddling with his fingers in deep thought. He took slow, heavy breaths, having just practically drowned in a pot of food.

Ryouga watched him carefully. From the somewhat exhausted look on his face that seemed to say he had just wasted an opportunity, to his shoulders sagging in disappointment, and to his fingers that tangled and untangled themselves in frustration.

"THAT'S ENOUGH!" Ryouga yelled finally, pounding his fist on that very table, causing the doctor to give a small jump. "We need to talk."

"S-sure." he said, still a little startled.

Here it goes. "You're in love with Kasumi, aren't you?" he asked him first thing.

"W-w-whaat?"

"Look, just do as I say."

Dr. Tofu immediately clamped up at Ryouga's sudden forwardness, nodding. He was also partially curious.

"Visit her. Regularly." he commanded.

"I b-beg your pardon?"

Now, Ryouga knew he wasn't the greatest expert when it came to love. Oh, who was he kidding. As far as love was concerned, he was probably having as much progress as a turtle would have in a race against a group of cheetahs. He knew he wasn't one to talk, but the truth was, that sight he had witnessed of Dr. Tofu, a man trying to help himself out of misery, drove him crazy. So he had acted simply on crazy impulse and crazy impulse alone.

And well, maybe there was also that fear that THAT would be his fate one day.

"You idiot, what do think you're doing?" Ukyou asked in a hushed tone, tugging on his sleeve.

"I'm sorry. Just... just trust me on this." he told her.

"Listen, jackass-"

"Please." he added, slowly taking her hand and gently pushing it away, freezing her to her spot.

"You need a time." Ryouga said, going back to his conversation with the doctor. He looked down, muttering his options incoherently.

"How about every Saturday at three in the afternoon?" Ukyou piped up.

"Yeah..." Ryouga considered, grinning and pleased to see she was helping. "Saturday at three sounds good."

"No it doesn't!" Dr. Tofu protested a little too loudly in alarm.

Both of them gave him somehow threatening, deadpan looks.

"I mean... I don't think it's the best idea, you see." he said, clearing his throat. "I strongly believe in the saying, 'love will lead the way.'"

Ryouga frowned at that, not knowing what to respond to a man with a motto.

"Well." Ukyou said, landing him a save. "Sometimes love needs a little push." she advised, winking encouragingly.

Ryouga grinned once again in approval, and Dr. Tofu seemed to consider the idea, smiling a bit. "I guess it's worth a shot." he decided.

* * *

"I can't believe we just did that!" Ukyou said, suppressing a giggle.

The two of them were finally out of Dr. Tofu's place, walking on the sidewalk underneath the streetlights.

Ryouga smiled appreciatively. "I liked the feel of it..."

"Of helping someone out?" she asked.

"Of commanding someone. And well- yeah, that too." he said, laughing at his momentary lack of morale.

Ukyou grinned at that, but suddenly remembered something. "Hey Ryouga?" she said, switching tones. "Where are you staying for the night?"

Ryouga frowned just a tad bit, and shrugged. "The nearest park, possibly."

"Oh." she answered. "So... you've got a tent and everything...?"

He nodded absentmindedly.

"Okay. Well... this is my stop." she said, arriving at Ucchan's at that exact minute.

"Oh. Right."

"So... see you." she said.

"See you." he echoed, turning around.

"The park's that way." Ukyou pointed, saving him before the damage was done. "Straight ahead. Can't miss it."

Ryouga turned around again, and followed the direction she was pointing at.

It really was quite lonely walking around here by yourself at this time of night. Ryouga kicked a pebble that dared stand in his way.

_Maybe if I had some company... _

He sighed heavily.

_Why did I have to do that?_

_**"Where am I NOW?" Ryouga bellowed. He had only just become aware that he was now surrounded by trees, tigers and bears instead of buildings, people and more people. He could have sworn he had just passed Furkinkan. Didn't Akane live just nearby? Akane-san... when would he get to see her again?**_

_**A deafening scream kicked him out of his daydream. **_

_**His head shot up, and his eyes immediately caught sight of her. **_

_**Ukyou's eyes were shut tight, and she was screaming in pure reflex. **_

_**And, as if on purely crazy impulse, Ryouga dove into the scene. He had practically shut his own eyes closed.**_

_**He felt a pair of soft arms wrap themselves around his neck, and so he opened his eyes.**_

_**He caught her. And what's more- he was carrying her bridal style, and it was a little embarrassing.**_

_**"It's the jackass!" she exclaimed.**_

_**Ryouga tried his best to ignore the nickname, and instead found a small space in that sea that was not occupied by either a tiger or a bear. He put her down carefully. "Can you still fight?"**_

_**"I don't know. Are you helping me?" **_

_**He wasn't quite sure how to answer that. If he said she needed help, she would most likely start attacking him instead of the animals.**_

_**Is he said he wasn't helping her, than the same fate awaited him. So instead he said- **_

_**"The only way out of here is if we fight our way out of here." **_

_**She took out her greatest weapon in one swift response, and the two faught their way past the ridiculously blood-thirsty animals.**_

"Hey, jackass!"

"Huh?" he asked the air. He spun around.

"Look, I know you've got no better place to stay." she inhaled deeply. "So I guess you could stay at Ucchan's." She had no idea what he

just DID to her brain when he left, if he twisted it somehow, or brainwashed it or BROKE it, but whatever he did, it made her go on and do, well- THIS!

"You're letting me stay with you?" he asked, as if to confirm the unbelievable news. "Why?"

"I don't know!" she yelled. "Maybe if you hadn't been all selfless a while back then I wouldn't have to get all guilty, and none of this would have happened!" she snapped unreasonably. "So you're staying in the guest room or I'll kill you!" With that, she turned around, leading the way for him.

"How gracious." he replied sarcastically, but accepting her offer nonetheless.

Risking himself to live temporarily under the wrath of Ukyou Kuonji wouldn't be so bad. He was Ryouga Hibiki after all- he could defend himself from a GIRL, couldn't he?

COULDN'T HE?

* * *

"Yup. I think the couch is long enough." Ukyou planted her hands on her hips, admiring her work.

Ryouga gulped. This was her bedroom, wasn't it? His eyes searched the room nervously, until he had finally realized what she said, his eyes landing on the bed she had managed to make out of a pillow, a blanket and the couch.

"I-I... I don't think is such a g-good idea..." he mumbled.

"Hmm?" she turned around to face him, and almost gave in to laughter at how ridiculously embarrassed he looked.

"M-maybe... m-maybe a guest room would be-"

"I'm sixteen. I'm single. I earn my own money. I live away from my only parent."

Ryouga simply frowned.

Ukyo sighed wearily. "In other words, this IS the guest room, as well as MY room, and if you don't want to sleep on the cold, hard ground tonight then you better man up, you big baby!"

Ryouga seemed to shrink further into the shadows. And was that a whimper she heard?

Ukyo sighed a heavier sigh than the last, though it seemed impossible to accomplish. "Look sugar, just- just try the couch, okay?"

Ryouga tried it, lying on his side, able to stretch his legs to some extent.

Ukyou stared on. That was just- that couch had always been particularly _big_ for her- there was enough room in it for her to stretch her legs all the way, and here was Ryouga- all curled up in that position. Was he... was he actually taller than she thought?

Just then, Ryouga muttered something grumpily to himself, and Ukyou took note of his expression.

"What? Don't like it?" she asked in an intimidating tone.

"Nn." was all he said.

"Well if you don't like the _couch _..." she said, her tone indicating she was teasing him. "Then you can sleep _here_ if you want..." she patted what extra room there was left on her bed.

Ryouga coughed loudly, turning a positively fascinating shade of red.

And then... she laughed.

She really couldn't help it- he was just like an innocent little boy, all shy and bashful. heehee…

Ryouga watched her laugh at the little joke she made, and thought he would just explode, just lose his temper and start yelling at her- but to his own surprise... he didn't. Her laugh wasn't the insulting, obnoxious kind- it was a nice, loud laugh, mirthless, good-natured...

and if she was in the company of someone in a good mood- that person would immediately laugh along. But for now, Ryouga was simply satisfied to be able to smile.

* * *

That Saturday, at exactly three in the afternoon, Dr. Tofu walked into the Tendo place just as he was told.

"Dr. Tofu, what a lovely surprise." Kasumi said, when she found out who the visitor was.

He burst into uncalled for laughter and began to flap his arms pathetically in the air when he remembered two things.

-He could not fly

-He should have a decent conversation with her, and all the pointers that went with it.

"Came 'cause… return..." -he handed her the pot.

Kasumi smiled her precious smile as she took it. "Did you like it?"

He nodded with a sort of pained look on his face that showed he could go crazy any second.

"Oh I'm so glad!" she said. She looked very pleased. "Would you like to come in?"

He nodded again in the same manner and stepped inside.

* * *

"That's just perfect." Ryouga said sarcastically. "How are we supposed to keep an eye on him now?"

Ukyou flashed him a lopsided grin, and took out something that looked a lot like... a briefcase?

"The super duper spy kit." Ryouga read the label lifelessly. What the hell?

She opened it, and took out something that was a combination of a pair of binoculars and headphones.

* * *

As Dr. Tofu took a seat by himself, since Kasumi had promised to return quickly with something to drink, he began to go ridiculously nervous and paranoid.

Well, it wasn't like he visited these people everyday. He barely even came over, so of course he should be nervous.

Come to think of it, did he even stand a chance? Maybe he was too much of a stranger to these people.

Just then, a pigtailed teenaged boy wearing a red chinese shirt walked by.

"Oh, hey, Dr. Tofu. How's it going?" he said, not really hanging around for an answer.

Dr. Tofu watched as he walked away.

Ranma was here everyday... he LIVED here.

That had to be it! The reason why he never made a move! Deep down, there was something that was telling him that he could never compete with Ranma, who had to be more familiar to Kasumi than he was to her. He didn't stand a chance! This whole time he had been fooling himself, thinking that there might have been the slightest possibility that they could be together. Ranma was always there to keep an eye on her... and he was definitely an _interesting _character.

"I'm home!" Akane called, entering that room. "Oh hi, Dr. Tofu." she said, a little surprised. Although she was happy for him, and besides, Akane lacked role models to look up to when it came to successful love.

_So he's finally making a move! I'm so glad. _

"What's gotten into _him_?" Ranma asked her in a hushed tone, pointing at Dr. Tofu discretely.

Akane looked over at him, and to her surprise, he was sending ill-natured glances at Ranma, in a way that was very much unlike him.

"Gee… I don't know..."

At that moment, Ranma's father barged into the room, all excited at winning yet another cheated game with Soun.

Dr. Tofu's attention was therefore directed to him.

Suddenly, something hit him.

Ranma couldn't have been the one for Kasumi. After all, Akane had told him before that Kasumi was interested in men older than her.

And who other man was older than... Saotome Genma?

If she wanted an older man, there he was, right under her nose! He, too lived here, and was probably as familiar to Kasumi as Ranma was! He was perfect for her!

Okay, so maybe he _was_ about twenty years older than her, but...

As Genma barged into the room, he felt a pair of eyes staring- no- [I glaring [I at him. So, quick as a flash, he snatched the nearest glass of water and poured it over his head to avoid answering any awkward questions.

At that moment, Nabiki glided into the room, looking confident.

"Give them to me!" Happosai pleaded, bouncing in after her.

"_Give _them to you? I don't think so." she said, dangling some article of particular (ahem) clothing (ahem) in between her fingers.

"But I could _sell_them to you." she managed to turn it into a suggestion.

Happosai quit the whining and the pleading.

"A thousand yen, please." she extended her hand, palm up, looking expectant.

And then it him. (Dr. Tofu, I mean.)

Why would Kasumi choose Ranma or Genma? That was just ridiculous. Ranma, besides being younger than her, turned into a girl more than occasionally and had three or four violent fiance's, one of them who he was already taking an interest to- who just happened to be Kasumi's sister, which would only cause massive sibling rivalry.

And she certainly wouldn't want Genma- a gluttonous, lazy, selfish jerk of a father who turned into a panda to get out of sticky situations.

So that was it, wasn't it? Happosai had to have his eye on Kasumi sooner or later. She was certainly the closest to him in age.

He got lost in his own angry paranoia, the sounds of Akane screaming "NABIKI! THOSE ARE MINE!" getting faint in the background, until...

"Sorry to keep you waiting, Dr. Tofu."

He spun his head in the direction of that voice, and started laughing all of a sudden.

"So how are Ryouga and Ukyou? Not too bad, I hope." she said.

* * *

"That wasn't so bad, right?" Ryouga asked on their way home. "He was talking to her and everything..."

Ukyo nodded. "Not bad. But I wonder what was up with those glares he was giving everybody."

Ryouga merely shrugged.

"Well, as long as he comes here every Saturday at this time and follows us, I think he'll do great."

"They were pretty simple rules anyway." Ryouga said, being optimistic.

"This coming from someone who can't follow the easiest directions, like say… his way out of a paper bag?"

"Hey!"

She laughed again, but she wasn't laughing at him, she was laughing with him. Ryouga opened his mouth to comment, but-

"Move it, Hussy!"

"Hussy?" Ukyou answered back, turning around to face her competitor.

Her eyes widened. "Shampoo!" she clenched her fists.

Shampoo was riding on top speed on her bicycle, trying to get away from... was that a duck?

The duck jumped on her lovingly and quacked a happy quack.

"Stupid Mousse!" she told him as she tried to pull him away. "Shampoo go see Ranma!"

She sped past Ukyou and Ryouga, and stuck her tongue out at them.

"Oh, that…THAT-" Ukyou took out her giant spatula, and got into a fighting pace when suddenly, a thought crossed her mind. "Ryouga?"

" Yeah?" he said, eyeing the spatula carefully, and taking tiny, discrete steps backward.

"What if we could eliminate all our competition?" a devilish grin spread across her face.

"Eliminate as in... kill?"

"No, stupid." she rolled her eyes. "What if we found the right people for everyone who's in love with either Ranma or Akane?"

"B-but They'll forget about them!"

"Yep. And we'll have MUCH higher chances of getting who we want." she smiled victoriously.

Ryouga thought about it. It wasn't all violent and dirty and treachorous, but it wasn't entirely fair, either.

Balancing the up's and down's to this and completely lost in this decision, he looked up at her, and saw that that smile- _her_ smile- was hard to say no to.

"I think... I think you've got yourself a deal." Ryouga stuck his hand out for her to shake it, and was therefore more than surprised when, in all the excitement, she threw her arms around him instead.

* * *

"I'm sorry but... c-could you show me to my house?" he asked.

Ukyou looked at him questioningly, until suddenly she understood. "Ryouga, how many times do I have to tell you- you're _welcome _in my- oh don't give me that look- besides, we still have a lot of scheming to do."

It was a funny thing, really. Ryouga was the one who brought up this whole matchmaking service, and Ukyou was way more enthusiastic about it than he was.

"There's this channel I like to watch that always has a good movie on Saturday nights." she explained as she turned the TV on.

Ryouga nodded slowly, and then climbed into his couch-bed.

"Hey, what do you think you're doing?"

He blinked. "Uhh."

"You're staying up with me. Besides, tonight's movie's a comedy, and you look like you could use a good laugh."

Ryouga hesitantly got off the couch-bed, and then took a seat beside her on the floor.

Somewhere during the movie... he heard it. "It's that laugh again." he mumbled, but not in annoyance.

"What's wrong with laughing?" Ukyou asked between those peals of laughter.

"Huh?" he said suddenly. He hadn't notice he'd said that aloud.

"And you're one to talk." she said, pointing an accusing finger at him. "Look at yourself- you're grinning ear to ear!"

Ryouga frowned immediately. He hadn't noticed that either.

This only made her laugh harder. "Go ahead and smile, sugar, it's not a crime!" she said, patting him lightly.

Ryouga jumped a bit as he felt the tips of her fingertips lightly brushing his shoulder, as if he had just been electrocuted.

Later on during the movie, Ryouga was grinning again. This time though, he noticed it, but he didn't bother to stop.

* * *

"You're WHAT?!"

Dr. Tofu shuddered, waving his hand nervously. "W-well, it's not such a big deal..."

"H-how can you be jealous of Happosai?" Ryouga asked curiously.

"Yes, that _is_pretty pathetic." Mousse said unhelpfully.

Ukyou scoffed. "Have you looked in a [I _mirror [_I lately? And on top of that- what does Cologne have to do with your stupid insecurities?"

"I _told you._" he answered, trying to cover his embarrassment with annoyance. "She is not judging properly- marriage should be based on _true love_, for goodness' sake, not-"

"Okay, okay, I get it." she said, slamming her hand into her forehead. "Alright, I think I know how to fix this."

* * *

"Ukyou... what are- what are we doing?" Ryouga dared to ask.

"Shut up!" she warned. She glanced over at Ryouga, who looked completely puzzled, and felt sorry for him. "We're at my school, in case you haven't noticed. Look-" she said, reaching out and suddenly grabbed his hand. "_This way-_"

Ryouga seemed to be a little shocked at her angry tone.

She looked at him and smiled, relaxing a bit. "This way, you won't get lost, okay?"

The two of them were dodging the crowd of students to get to Ukyou's class. She was quick to ignore any clueless passerby who spotted her holding hands with Ryouga.

* * *

"Miyo-san!" she called, spotting her classmate at last, shuffling a deck of cards silently.

Now Ukyou had heard rumors that Miyo could not only predict the future, but her family owned a magic shop, or something like that.

"Please." she begged, still holding Ryouga's hand in hers. "We need your help."

"Are you… are you sure this will help?" Ryouga asked uncertainly.

She nodded. "My assistant will be back with the ingredients for the potion in a few minutes. Meanwhile..." she said, taking out her cards.

"Would you like your future predicted?"

"Well." he responded. He looked around the shop. There were all sorts of strange and weird things in here, and he wasn't exactly certain of this girl's sanity just yet. _But if Ukyou trusts her, then I guess I could find it in me to do the same._

"O-okay." he said.

Miyo glanced at Ukyou, and then at Ryouga, and an eerie smile crept across her face mischievously.

Meanwhile, Ryouga's heart pounded madly in his chest, threatening to burst. His future... all of it could be revealed now, with a few card tricks. Was it possible? Was it accurate? Ukyou said it was, so it must be. This thought only heightened his anxiety.

What would his future hold? What was in store for him? Did he really want to find out? WHAT did he want to find out? What did he want to hear? Was a happy future with Akane for a lover and a second-class Ranma what he wanted to discover from this

person, or was there... something else? Instinctively, he looked over at Ukyo without allowing himself the time to realize it.

"Now." Miyo started, shuffling the cards in all sorts of complicated ways that made Ryouga dizzy. "Your question?"

"Question?" Ryouga echoed dumbly. He needed a question? Okay... "How about... what will my love life be like?" Even as he uttered the words, he flushed horribly.

Miyo grinned. "Ah, a common question." She pulled out a card, stared at it for quite some time, her expression unreadable.

Ryouga crouched forward, patience growing thin.

And then, she did something strange.

She looked up from the card, looked at Ryouga, then Ukyou, and back again.

And then she smiled.

Meanwhile, Ukyo seemed lost in thought in her own world, so it really wasn't her fault for interrupting all of a sudden.

"By the way, who_is _your assitant?" Ukyou asked.

"Gosunkugi." she muttered.

"Gosunkugi?" she almost yelled. And then she thought back to all the times he'd tried to cause trouble for Ranma with his attempts at

black magic. "Yeah, I guess that fits..."

At that moment, the door opened, and a black-haired, wide-eyed boy dressed in the Furinkan uniform for boys.

But he didn't have evidence of lack of sleep under his eyes, he wasn't hunched unconfidently, and he did not resemble a walking skeleton.

So it couldn't have been him.

Could it?

"And here he is now." Miyo said.

"NO WAY!" Ukyou yelled. "G-g-g-g-gosunkugi?" she stammered. "Wha-wha-wha-what happened to you?"

"My parents sent me to one of those self-esteem camps." he said. And true enough, he sounded like himself, only his voice wasn't so

faint and weak. It sounded fuller and better. But it still spelled Gosunkugi somehow.

"T-they didn't do so bad!" she complimented, slamming her hand onto his back. For a second there, she thought he might fall from that, but to her surprise, he didn't.

Ryouga frowned disapprovingly at him.

"So, how does this thing work?" Ukyou asked excitedly.

* * *

**A/N- Well there you go... not much to say, except... I don't know... I'm sorry?  
**


	2. Catch me a catch

**Disclaimer: Come on, don't make me say it again!**

**Here you'll find what used to be chapter three and some stuff from what used to be chapter two. **

* * *

"Now, gentlemen. We understand the great burden that these two people have brought into your lives." Ukyou announced.

Mousse and Ranma nodded.

"Well, now is the time to end this, once and for all!" she held two tiny bottles of liquid. "These will finally 'take care' of those two people."

"For Cologne." she said, tossing one of the bottles to Mousse. "Make sure she drinks every singly drop of that, and be discrete!" she ordered.

"For Happosai." she said, tossing the other bottle to Ranma. "Make sure he drinks up, Ran-chan!"

Ryouga found it... _amusing_ how her tone had changed so easily.

"Now don't fail me, troops!" she yelled at them as the two boys went their separate ways.

* * *

"Take care of him? You don't mean...!"

Ranma nodded, grinning madly. "Yep."

Akane gasped. "You're going to KILL HIM?" she hissed in disbelief.

"Not so loud, Akane!" he whispered, covering her mouth with his hand.

"Mmf!" she said, struggling with his grasp.

"Akane, could you serve me the tea your sister left in the kitchen?"

Both of them slowly turned to look at the old man.

"O-okay!" she said, running off to do as she was asked.

Ranma raised an eyebrow. No one would ask Akane to serve them anything swallowable unless she was the last option.

So Kasumi and Nabiki had probably gone shopping, and his dad and Akane's dad had probably tagged along in order to be rewarded with food as promised. So the three of them remained.

And then Ranma remembered the tiny bottle of posion in his pocket. "I'll help ya before you knock over something!" he yelled after her, running to catch up.

"KNOCK OVER SOMETHING, DID YOU SAY?" she shouted, stomping over to him."Well I'll have you know that _nothing_has been- AH!"

Akane, speaking to soon, flung her arms in the air, knocked over a glass of water, slipped on the little puddle on the floor, fell and fell and-

"Got-cha." he sang proudly in a singsong tone, grinning cheerfully at the girl he had caught in his arms.

"R-ranma.. l-let go." she squeaked. She lifted her head a bit- so she could glare at him- but found that all she could do... was stare.

He stared back at her. "O-oh." he said. He put her down carefully, and then hopped over to Happosai's tea, pouring the tiny bottle's contents into it when Akane wasn't looking.

* * *

"Where's Happosai?" Kasumi asked at dinnertime.

All of them either shrugged or claimed they didn't know, except for Ranma.

"Ah, don't worry. He's probably under Akane's skirt."

"HE IS NOT!" she screamed, pounding him hard on the head, and then checked when he wasn't looking.

"I'll go check on him." Kasumi volunteered, standing up.

* * *

"The old man's not up for dinner?" Nabiki asked.

Kasumi shook her head, sitting down to eat with the family. "I'm worried about him."

Akane gasped, took a sidelong glance at one grinning Ranma, and asked- "Is he having stomach pains?"

"Yes... yes, that's right, Akane. How did you know?"

"Lucky guess." she answered flatly, sending death glares at Ranma.

"Ranma, what did you do?" his father demanded.

He grinned, and then tossed the empty bottle at him.

Genma caught it, and Soun bent down to read the label that Ranma had stuck on it.

The two friends exchanged looks, and burst into tears.

"H-hey... hey- don't take it so hard... he's had a long life, and- huh?"

"Thank you, my boy!" Soun shook his hand. "Thank you!"

"That's my son!" Genma announced proudly, giving him a too-hard-friendly-slap at the back.

"Th-thanks?" he asked. _Wow, I wonder how Mousse is doing._

* * *

"Shampoo not know what wrong with granny..." Shampoo said sadly to herself, unaware of the happy ducky waiting silently in a corner. "She been like that for hours! Shampoo go see her." she stood up, and walked to her grandmother's room, Mousse waddling happily by her side.

"Why she not here?" she asked herself angrily.

"Who are you looking for, Shampoo?"

Shampoo turned around to the direction of the smooth, feminine voice, and almost fainted at what she saw.

She had seen this woman before... in a picture, that is.

The resemblance between her and Shampoo was only a little obvious. Her hair was just as long- maybe even longer, but it was straighter, and thinner, and it was a slightly dark shade of blue instead of purple, and their eyes were different.

Her features were more delicate... she was basically a beautiful woman who looked to be in her early twenty's.

"You wait here!" she commanded, running off to find an old family album, almost tripping over an unconscious Mousse on the floor.

* * *

Somewhere during dinnertime, everyone was interrupted by a stranger that had walked into the room.

He had short, black hair and he was basically an attractive man that looked to be in his early twenty's.

"Who are you?" Ranma asked rudely.

He looked puzzled. "Uh, Happosai-"

"OH! I get it!" Ranma exclaimed, standing up, pointing at him. "You must be a guy Ucchan hired to get rid of the body!"

"What body?" he asked.

Ranma blinked a couple of times, before patting him on the back. "Man, you're good!"

"Time for my meditation!" he suddenly said, heading off to Happosai's room.

"Sure thing, pal!" Ranma yelled after him appreciatively.

* * *

"Hey- what are you doing with all of this stuff?" Ranma asked, indicating all the baskets of underwear surrounding the stranger.

He turned around suddenly. "Ranma, come here. I have a favor to ask of you."

"Oh, I get it!" he said, walking over to him. "You want me to get rid of the evidence, right?"

The stranger pulled a rope that was dangling in front of him, and a trap door opened directly above Ranma, and cold water soaked him to the bone.

"You... you know?" he asked.

"Of course! Now, Ranma, I want you to try one of these." he pushed one of the baskets at him.

Ranma's eyes bugged out, and he screamed the loudest scream he had ever screamed in his life.

"That's disgusting!" Akane exclaimed from behind the door, wrinkling her nose.

Nabiki frowned, shaking her head. "I just don't believe it."

"Oh, how awful!" Kasumi sympathized, bringing a hand to her face.

Soun and Genma narrowed their eyes, pressing their ears closer to the door, both suspecting the same thing.

Ranma eyed the weirdo in horror. He was all to familiar... the collection, the way he acted, and THIS...

and then his eyes fell on the stranger's outfit. It looked familiar, too- only bigger... longer... and then his eyes bugged out once again.

"H-H-H-HAPPOSAI?!" he yelled.

The man in question grinned, and received a tremendous kick from Ranma.

He stomped over to the door, and yanked it open. "I don't think that was death potion." he announced.

* * *

"You this lady, yes?" she said, pointing at a picture in the old family album.

"Yes, that is me!" the lady laughed.

Shampoo read the name under the picture, took one look at her great grandmother, and fainted.

* * *

**A/N- There! All nice and long... or at least longer... anyway, please Review!  
**


	3. Find me a find

**HOLY ABRAHAM! AN UPDATE!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Ranma 1/2. I'm not worthy! I'm not worthy! **

**Note: Happosai 1 The younger Happosai **

**Happosai 2 The old, ancient, crusty old Happosai who took the potion and started looking/acting like his younger self. I know it's confusing (and bothersome) but otherwise the story can't go on!Hee hee...**

**-CLANG- is the sound of Ukyo's titanium spatula knocking someone (usually Ryouga) to the floor... or on the wall... or across the skyline of her choice...  
**

**-WHAM- is usually the sound of Akane's fist or mallet knocking someone (usually Ranma) to the floor... or on the wall... or across the skyline of her choice... **

**PLEASE review so I know if you're still reading this story.. aheh.. **

* * *

"Good morning!" Ukyo barged into the room cheerfully. 

Following close behind was Ryouga, who- due to Akane's presence- was too shy to do more than nod curtly.

"So did it work?" Ukyo badgered on eagerly, bouncing a little on her heels.

"That depends." Nabiki answered in a bored voice. "How exactly was it supposed to work?"

Ukyo frowned a bit. "What do you mean?" she asked. "He was supposed to get younger! What did you think was going to happen?"

Nabiki smirked in half-hearted amusement, and muttered something along the lines of "what a pity".

"We thought it would get the old toad to finally croak!" Ranma yelled bluntly.

"What?" Ukyo and Ryouga exchanged faces and burst into laughter. And then the laughter died and their wide-eyed faces turned to gape at Ranma. "Did he?" they asked simultaneously.

"No." was Ranma's huffy reply. He crossed his arms in front of his chest and pouted sourly like a little sore loser of a boy.

"Oh, Ran-chan..." Ukyo's voice trailed off. Saying that name made her feel... hollow, but she chose to ignore it. "I know he's a lot better-looking now, but you don't have to be jealous."

"Je- I don't have to be WHAT, now?" he yelled.

But Ukyo's thoughts were already racing. "But I guess now he'd have an EASIER time picking up girls, huh?" She cursed.

"Although it would be harder for him to creep into girls' skirts." Ryouga pointed out matter-of-factly.

"True..."

"I don't think he'd do something like that..." Akane's interrupted. She seemed so quiet and embarrassed... everyone shuddered.

"What?" And then Akane's abrupt shyness seemed to suddenly dawn on her. Her frown broke into a wide, malicious grin that would have brought the famous Cheshire Cat to shame. "Oh, I see- he's a lot better-looking now, so you're starting to fall for him! Well you go right ahead, sugar! I'm sure Ryouga and I could change our plans a little bit. I just hope it doesn't bother you that at night it's an actual ancient old man you're gonna be fu-"

Ryouga cleared his throat noisily, and despite the change of color on his face-pointedly glared in Ukyo's direction.

"Oh, right." she muttered. "Sorry- I forgot, Akane, you're taken, and so is Happosai-"

"NOT INTERESTED!" she screamed, itching for someone to blame this on and kick into oblivion, but she remembered she had a point to make. "I meant to say he hasn't been acting like himself lately."

"What did you mean?" Ryouga asked, interested.

Akane relaxed at the sound of a useful question. "He hasn't been doing anything particularly lecherous lately... he's becoming more and more..." -she seemed uneasy- "Charming, if you will." She blushed at saying a single nice thing about someone... who wasn't, you know... nice.

"I think I'm gonna be sick..." Ranma muttered under his breath, making an appropriate face for it.

Ukyo nodded understandingly. "Yes, you see, that was all part of the pla-"

"SPATULA GIRL! What you do?"

"Wha-?" Ukyo turned in the direction of familiar bad grammar. "Shampoo?"

"Mousse say you do magic that turn great granny into... into..." she threw her hands in the air and gestured incoherently for emphasis.

"Her younger self?" Ryouga offered.

Shampoo nodded, and pointed at the woman behind her.

Everyone looked at the young woman. She somehow resembled Shampoo, but was evidently more beautiful. Her long, straight hair was almost the exact shade as the bluish purple color of Shampoo's hair, but her eyes were different, and easier to lose yourself in.

"Where… where is...?"

"Don't tell me you're looking for that crazy old pervert- hey.. c'mon.. don't cry.."

But Ranma's apology was too late. The young Cologne bit her lip to prevent any tears from falling- but she failed. Clearly she had been returning to her younger state as well.

"I-I wish I could go back... then I'd show you all!" With a shaking hand, she pulled out a mirror from her baggy sleeve, and let a tear fall onto it.

* * *

Suddenly, the scenery changed. Cologne, Ranma, Akane, Ryouga, Ukyo, Shampoo, Mousse and Nabiki were surrounded by happy little Chinese villages and happy little Chinese villagers, which could only mean one thing- they were in China in a couple of hundred years back- nobody could be this happy and traditional.

"I thought Nabiki smashed that mirror to pieces!" Ranma yelled, pointing at the accursed thing.

"Don't be dim, son-in-law, objects as powerful as these mend themselves!" Cologne said, emphasizing on the term "son-in-law" and pointing her staff back at him, keeping at least an insulting fabric of reality alive. Sort of.

"Why the hell didn't you say anything, ya old hag!" _Hag... damn. I've got to think of a better insult before people start to think I'm losing my touch!_

"Where are we?" Ukyo asked, new to the whole magic mirror thing.

"Shh!" Cologne said, and then nodded in the direction of a growing crowd nearby. "Watch."

And so they did. The growing crowd, they soon noticed, was comprised of young women and only young women. They created a fairly large circle around what seemed to be a man in training. A man... or the young Happosai, at least.

And just like the new Happosai that the Tendos and the Saotomes have recently discovered , he was still fairly tall and handsome... and had a different but nice aura about him.

"There great grandmother!" Shampoo suddenly exclaimed.

True enough, the younger Cologne was there, watching Happosai as well- from behind a massive tree as to stay hidden.

"Why she so shy?"

"Well..." the Cologne in their company provided, coughing into her sleeve. "Happi was quite popular back then..."

"OH, HAPPI THAT WAS INCREDIBLE!"

"AMAZING!"

"FANTASTIC!"

"HERE, HAPPI I MADE SOME LUNCH FOR YOU!"

"HAPPI, MYYY LUNCH IS TEN TIMES BETTER THAN HERS!"

"GET OUT OF THE WAY, I GOT HERE FIRST!"

"Well, what do you know?" Nabiki commended. "Ancient Chinese slu-."

"And he's more of a lady-killer than Ranma." Ryouga said in a mocking tone.

"Someone pinch me, I'm having a nightmare.." Ranma grumbled.

Akane gladly hit him in the stomach.

"OW!" he yelled, bending low in pain. "I said PINCH me, not PUNCH me!"

"Airen!"

"Ran-chan!"

And in seconds, Ranma was brought the comforting aid of Ukyo and Shampoo.

Akane was about to raise her mallet out of nowhere when she heard Ryouga grumble something angrily under his breath. "Ryo-"

"Hey, look-!" Ryouga purposely interrupted, bringing everyone's attention back to the scene before Akane could finish her question.

"No thank you, ladies." young Happosai said politely. "I've got a lot of training to do... but I appreciate it!" he added at seeing their disappointed faces.

Just then, a... fruit… rolled out from the darkness- the massive tree, to be exact. Happosai bent down and picked it up.

He looked over at the tree, and held out the fruit. "Is this yours?" he asked it.

Cue Cologne, emerging from behind the tree, basket of fruits in one arm. "Y-yes." she told him shyly.

The man look startled at first at the sight of her, but quickly recovered. He threw the fruit at her at lightning speed without any warning.

Naturally, she caught it.

He grinned.

"I've seen you fight... you're very skilled."

She flushed. "N-no... No, I'm not at all- Especially compared to you-"

But he would not hear it. "Would you like to help me train?" he said, extending an encouraging hand, flashing a to-die-for smile at her.

The gang, who was still watching somehow, all looked over at the Cologne in their company with accusing glares.

"What HAPPENED to him?" they demanded.

She frowned deeply. "Quite a lot."

"I'll say." Nabiki muttered.

At the sound of his proposal, the mindless fangirl zombies screamed, shrieked and hissed.

"Why her?"

"There's nothing special about her."

"That ugly old hag?"

They spat.

Happosai paid no attention to their rudeness. "Please?" he added.

Eventually, she had to give in. She smiled- "I'd love to." she said, gaining confidence at last.

And so they started sparring. They were both already skilled- even though the gang knew they would improve even more in a couple hundred years.

The screaming fangirls lost interest and the crowd grew thinner and thinner until it was just the two of them left.

Cologne- present Cologne- sighed dramatically. "It went on like that for quite a while, you see... and in a few months, Happi and I were married." She looked thoroughly embarrassed as she said this.

Shampoo, however, looked completely aghast. "Happi is- Happi is- Shampoo's great grandfather?!" Happosai was Ranma's unofficial grandfather, so marrying him would be like marrying a brother! And even Shampoo couldn't live with such disgrace.

Cologne shook her head sadly. "Alas, we parted ways." And a tear rolled off her cheek.

A blinding glow came from the mirror, and within seconds the scenery changed again.

"This is where you lived? Looks pretty deserted, if ya ask me."

"It was intentional. Our wedding was a secret. We chose to live far away from all the... disturbances." She said, referring to the screaming fangirls. "Eventually, though..."

"It leaked." Nabiki provided.

Present Cologne nodded. She pointed at her past self, looking as frustrated as can be.

"Screaming women... they're horrible, every one of them."

"They're not so bad..."

"Oh, of course not, Happi, they're WONDERFUL to you. This house is overflowing with their presents, and we hardly ever have to work for anything. No- they LOVE you. It's me they're horrible to." she hung her head and looked down at her lap. "They want me dead." she said in a harsh whisper, obviously choking back tears.

"Cologne..." he began, but was suddenly interrupted with a-

"HAPPIIII!" the frantic girl flung herself at him. "I lovelovelovelovelove you!"

"Er- Please get off me..." Happosai mumbled.

Both Ukyo and Akane snarled from her view. "That woman is ruining everything!"

"DO something, you jackass!"

"Wha-?" Ryoga said, knowing that she could only be referring to him. "What do you want me to do?"

"I don't know!" Ukyo shouted at him irrationally. "Just... get in there!" she yelled, literally kicking him into the unsettling scenario.

"Ranma- do something!"

"What do you want ME to do?" Ranma asked, clearly indicating that he knew nothing about the subject.

"C'mon, Ranma... Don't you feel bad for her?" she pleaded.

"Why would I feel anything for that wicked old-"

But Akane had already kicked him inside, where Ryoga was stammering.

"G-get... g-get.. get away!" he commanded awkwardly, pointing at the notorius girl.

"Get your hands offa him!" Ranma added.

She patiently and maturely stuck her tongue out at them. "Go on trip, you pansies!"

"Go on a trip...?" Ryouga asked, confused.

"I think she means, 'take a hike' or 'get lost'." Ranma said.

They looked over at Ukyo and Akane, who glared at them and yelled0 "Get on with it!"

"Get away from him!" they repeated immediately.

Ryoga cracked his knuckles. "Or would you like us to do it for you?"

Ranma grinned and got into a fighting stance.

Cologne, who had been watching with a devastated look on her face, finally screamed.

"Now MEN are after you too?"

The three men shook their heads furiously and waved their hands nervously, stuttering protests.

"Cologne, wait, you don't understand!"

"N-n-n-n-n-no, t-t-t-t-that's not it-!"

"You got it all wrong, lady!"

A tear dropped from her eye. "That's it, Happi... I can't live like this."

And she fled.

Ranma and Ryouga stared after her, mouths agape, eyes wide in disbelief. The latter was about to suggest going after her, when he felt a dangerous, unholy aura burning nearby- and this time, it wasn't Akane.

Ranma must have sensed it too, because the two of them began turning around. They did this so stiffly you could practically here them creaking as if they were rusty.

"I don't know WHO the HELL you are, and frankly, I don't give a damn, but right now, you two worthless scums..." then this heavy, dark aura started to surround him. It was like Akane's and Ukyo's infuriated auras combined, only ten times worse, which was like seeing hell being delivered to you personally on a platter.

"Are going to wish you were never BORN!" Happosai turned into an evil, unholy demon that outshined the older version of Happosai that had just been unfairly robbed of his precious collection.

So, at that point, Ranma made a clumsy run for it through a spotted backdoor, and Ryouga toppled close after him, shouting back words of apology to the UNBELIEVABLY angry man they abandoned.

"Ugh, Ranma, you idiot!" Akane exclaimed, planting her hands on her hips.

Ukyo rolled her eyes. "Boys will be boys. But this lot we have is a little extreme, huh?"

Akane nodded furiously, Shampoo gave a tired sigh, but the Cologne in her company looked...almost happy- in fact- she looked... blissful...

Ranma dodged tree after tree at lightning speed, willing himself to get as far away from an infuriated Happosai as possible.

Ryouga followed close by, following suit but at a more flustered pace. "Ranma, are you sure this is the right thing to do...?" Ryouga was about to press the question further when he heard an impossibly deafening roar from the little house where Happosai was probably snarling and breaking things, so he turned his head around and avoided moral value. Besides- this was Ranma he was with, and he couldn't even bring himself to say Ranma and MORAL in the same sentence. In fact, he remembered this one time when- when...

Oh Damn.

"Where the hell am I now?!"

Ryouga groaned loudly. He had no idea how he always ended up lost. He wasn't completely stupid, and his mind didn't have the tendency to fly away... not like Ranma, stupid girly-man, why, he remembered this one time when he- he...

"Oh damnit my mind DOES fly! I've got to do something about that before- urk!"

Ryouga was knocked into the ground as some midget bounced off his face.

Grumbling, he got back on his feet. "Another one of those old creeps? Geez, there's got to be a whole family of... hey, what's that sound?"

Something annoying and irritating... loud and high-pitched... a voice- no, voices... lots of voices... angry ones... "UGH!" he spun around, putting the pieces of the puzzles together, just in time to be flattened by a hoard of angry underwear- deprived women.

* * *

Ryouga grumbled grumpily as he began to come back to consciousness. Slowly, he opened his eyes, which bugged out once he realized he was somewhere unfamiliar again. "Where am I NOOOOW?!" 

"Ah, put a sock in it, pork butt."

Ryouga blinked. "Ranma? Wha-?" Then he suddenly realized he was sitting on the floor, back-to-back with his rival- not by choice of course. He scoffed.

Why would he even want to be near him? No, they had been tied together (someone had used some kind of metal bars on Ryouga).

"Well, well. Both sleeping beauties are awake now, I see."

Ryouga's attention was directed to the young Happosai, grinning a wicked grin that he knew would become a natural feature on his face in the future. He waved a bottle of water in his face. "Do you know what this is?"

"Uhh... a refreshing drink for your two most favorite people in the world?"

Happosai made the kind of annoying sound they usually make in game shows when you get the answer wrong- you know the one- it was specifically invented to kill your ears and be used as a lame pun to irritate you to death when your friend asks you a trivia question and you don't get it right. "Since my _former_- " at this point he glared at them. "- wife thought you two seemed so _interested_ in me, I decided to do you a favor."

"H-huh?"

Happosai grinned that evil grin, uncorked the bottle and splashed its entire contents at Ryouga and Ranma.

They shook the water out of their hair furiously. "Heh. What was that supposed to do?" Ryouga asked.

Happosai cackled. "You might one to take a good look at yourself, cutie."

Ryouga's left eye twitched involuntary as Ranma sniggered behind him. He knew he was never going to let him live with the fact that Happosai (and the almost sane version at that!) just called him 'cutie'. Nevertheless, he looked at his reflection in the mirror that he now noticed was in right in front of him, and...

". . ." He looked down at himself, and back at the reflection.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Ranma couldn't control his laughter any longer. "Aw, tough luck, man. But it's a good thing your curse isn't as bad as mine- oh wait, IT IS! BWAHAHAHAHA!"

"M-m-m-my MANHOOD!" Ryouga wailed.

"The very last of the water from the cursed Jusenkyo spring of drowned girl. I knew it would come in handy someday."

"HAHAHAHA! Sorry I didn't warn ya. There was nothing we could do about it anyway."

"You're just saying that because it didn't affect you!!! Wait- if that was the last bottle of it... Ranma, how did you end up falling into it?"

"Good question." he grumbled. "It happened like this..."

_**Just a little while ago...**_

_Ranma collapsed onto the ground, panting heavily with a big, triumphant grin on his face. "Hey, P-chan, I think we lost him!"_

_". . ." was the response that Ranma got. He stood up abruptly, looking around. "P-chan? P-chan? Ryouga? I guess he got lost again."_

_"R-ranma? Is that you?"_

_Ranma twisted his body around to look at her. "Akane?"_

_She smiled apologetically. "He really blew up on you, didn't he?"_

_"No kidding." he grumbled. "Why're you here?"_

_She glared at him. "What, you don't want me here?!"_

_"I didn't say that, ya uncute tomboy!"_

_-WHAM!-_

_After Akane conveniently stored mallet-sama away...somewhere... she yelled at him. "Jerk! I was just worried about you!"_

_"WELL-" he paused. "Y-you were?"_

_Akane looked at him from her downcast view. "Well... I..."_

_"AIREN! Where you go? Shampoo look everywhere for you!" the amazon glomped him out of nowhere, locking her arms around his neck in a death hug. _

_Ranma sensed the fiery aura that was coming out of Akane and tried to protest. "Uh... Shampoo... you can let go now..."_

_"SAOTOME! Get your hands off of my beloved Shampoo!" Mousse jumped into the scene with an aura almost as unholy as Akane's._

_"Oh, boy."_

_"YOU JERK!"_

_"PREPARE TO DIE!"_

_Ranma bounded off, narrowly missing Mousse's sharp weapons._

_"Ranma! Come back!" Shampoo leaped after him._

_"Get back here, you coward!" Mousse yelled, running after Ranma._

_"UGH! FORGET IT! I'M LEAVING!" Akane stood up and left._

_At these words, Ranma briefly paused and turned around. "W-wait! Akane!" Skidding to a halt was a big mistake. At that instant, Shampoo accidentally jumped on him- as in- stepped on him from a good height- sending him falling flat, face-first into the cursed spring of drowned girl, and if that wasn't enough, Mousse decided to launch all his weapons at him. He tossed four or five bombs at him. Shampoo was still in a well enough state to jump out of the way, but Ranma clearly was not._

_BOOM! BOOMBOOMBOOMBOOM!!!!_

_Ranma was sent flying... along with all the water in the spring._

_A few long minutes later, Ranma landed on the ground... right at the feet of his angered opponent. _

_Happosai grinned and knocked him unconscious._

"And that is the tragic tale of destiny-altering... oh, would you quit crying?!"

"B-but... I don't wanna be a girl!" he sobbed.

"If you wanna be a guy so badly then start acting like one!" Ranma yelled.

Happosai cleared his throat. "Well, now that that has been explained properly... I believe it is time to..." he raised an axe high above his head.

"Ahhh!"

-SWOOSH-

"Set you free."

The ropes binding the two girls-looking-like-boys snapped apart and fell to the floor.

"What? You're not going to kill us?"

"Don't give him any ideas with that big mouth of yours!"

He shook his head. "I'm going to set you free... so you can be cursed for the rest of your lives! BWAHAHAHAHA!"

"He's already going loopy, I see." Ranma whispered to Ryouga, who nodded.

"Well, we'll be going then..."

"NOT SO FAST!"

Ranma and Ryouga winced. Of all the cliche lines to say...

An exact replica of their captor walked on forward, clutching a mirror in his hand with which he used to point accusingly. "You're forgetting something, aren't you, sonny?"

"Sonny?" Happosai 1 scoffed. "If you're trying to do a good job impersonating me, you've got to do better than that!"

"I'm not impersonating you." Happosai 2 shot back. "I AM you, only I am a couple hundred years older."

Ranma and Ryouga gasped. "It's the older Happosai!"

Clapping sounds were heard, and then... people emerged out of the darkness.

"Oh, yes. They can be taught." Nabiki's voice drolled on- she was responsible for the clapping.

Ryouga and Ranma looked up, and they saw quite a crowd.

In one corner, Nabiki, Shampoo, Cologne and Mousse stood impatiently.

In the other, Happosai 2 and... two other people stood. Their faces were hidden behind two uncreative potato-sack-masks. Their hands were tied behind their backs.

One was a woman, and the other was a man. Somehow... they seemed familiar.

"Happy... how you get here?" Shampoo asked.

"With this!" he held up the mirror. It was an oval-shaped mirror with a handle. The frame was whitish-silver. "I stole this a long time ago from a beastly prince."

"HA! Whatever story you make up would be a lie." Ranma yelled. Everyone agreed- including Happosai 1, which was odd.

"Hold up-" Nabiki interrupted. "Look, everyone- he's telling the truth!" When they all looked at her stupidly, she rolled her eyes. "He said 'stole' instead of 'borrowed' or 'recieved'. He really is going back to his old... I mean- young self." She folded her arms across her chest. "Go on."

"I thank the lovely Nabiki." he bowed slightly in gratitude. She nodded with a smirk. "True, I am ashamed of what I have done, as I am ashamed of many things, but there are too many wrongful things that I must undo.

Many, many years ago... well, I was doing a lot of training, you see.

My training took me all over the world, from the familiar places of Japan, to the challenging areas in China- and even out of Asia, to America, and even to Europe.

One of the places I trained in in Europe was France. France was a lovely place. The sights were wonderful- ah, but I am ashamed once again. I paid hardly any attention to those sights. I chose to entertain myself with... other...things... In any case... I came upon this ghostly castle. It looked rickety and old... and possibly haunted. I was sure to find some good training there. I gathered my courage and crept inside. It seemed diserted but... I could hear... music. Beautiful music, playing in one of the main rooms. When I found the door to that room, I could see through the little slits of the door that the lights were on... I knew people were inside.

I opened the door and crept up, I crawled onto the roof and stuck there, like a spider of some sort. I crawled over to a chandelier and hung there. I looked down.

There was a beautiful girl, all dressed up, dancing with... with this hideous... creature-thing. I was disgusted! How could someone as beautiful as her be dancing so intimately with a... a... a beast! I was about to spring from the chandelier and attack him when they stopped. They went outside. I looked at this odd clock-fellow down there with a face... he was standing beside this candle and this teapot. Anyway, I looked at him and realized that I had better be going… but I would be back!

So I crept out of the castle.

The next day, I returned. I heard from the townspeople that the beautiful girl and the beast had went off on their honeymoon. Odd, that. I crept back into the castle, trying not to think about what their babies would look like, and I found this dusty old room. I looked around until I found a valuable-looking treasure chest. I opened it.

Inside, there were three identical mirrors. One used as a window to see the outside world with, one used to look into the future, and this."

He held up the mirror once again, and everyone stared at it with some newfound respect and awe. "This works as a portal to anywhere in the world."

There were "ooh"s and "ahh"s and nods of understanding.

"I suddenly found myself having new memories of turning Ranma and Ryouga into girls... so I came."

Silence.

"Okay... now can we get going?"

"No!" Happosai 2 yelled, glaring at Ranma. "Don't you even realize what you would be leaving behind?"

Ranma twisted his face up as he began to think.

Everyone groaned. This would take a while (The thinking, I mean.).

He snapped his fingers all of a sudden. "Akane! And Ucchan! How could we have forgotten? Alright... where are they?"

Silence.

And then... a quiet shuffling sound.

Heads turned.

Akane and Ukyo, gags on their mouths and all tied up (my, everyone's being lasso-done today, eh?), were looking angry and annoyed as Happosai 1 carried them on his back. He stopped in his tracks and grinned. "They're lovely, aren't they? Pity you won't ever see them again! They're mineminemine!" he cackled insanely and zipped off.

As they stared after him, they could hear the faint sounds of yelling, "What a haul! What a haul! WHAT A HAUL!"

"Ucchan! Akane! DAMN! What are we going to- would you stop, GLOWING you drama queen?!" he swung and hit.

Ryouga, who had been, indeed, glowing and ready to do a good Shi Shi Houkodan- hit the floor.

"I'm afraid it might be too late." Happosai 2 said slowly.

"Too late for what?!"

He sighed heavily. "He... I... have already gone insane."

* * *

**A/N- Hello... well, I updated. Yes, I know, it took a very long time and by now we all have white hair and grandchildren. I'm really sorry! In any case, PLEASE review so I know if you're still reading! I'm sorry also if it's too short... **


	4. Plan me a plan

**Disclaimer: I don't own, please don't sue. There's a deal.**

**Here's chapter 4. Please try to enjoy. pleeeease review?**

* * *

He sighed heavily. "He... I... have already gone insane." 

Silence.

More silence.

More silence.

"HAHAHAHAHA! So that's where it all started, eh, old lech?"

Surprisingly, he looked at him with sad eyes. "Yes."

"Act now, talk later." Ryouga interrupted. "Right now we have to save them."

Ranma nodded. "Let's go!"

The two bounded off in the direction that Happosai 1 took.

"WAIT! You forgot- ugh..." Happosai 2 (Yes, it's confusing, isn't it?) looked over at the two goons in potato-sack-masks and sighed.

Shampoo looked angry. "Why he kidnap them and not Shampoo?"

Mousse leapt and glomped. "Oh, Shampoo, I'm so happy you're safe!"

"Mousse... call me old-fashioned, but calling the woman you're holding by another woman's name is a little insulting." Nabiki said.

"GAH!"

* * *

Ukyo gritted her teeth. She was being kidnapped! Kidnapped! She couldn't think of anything more pathetic. 

"What do you plan on doing with us?!" Akane yelled.

Ukyo looked at her and sighed. It was a typical hostage thing to say.

"Now, now, no need to be so upset." he said. "In fact, you two are very lucky."

"How so?" Akane said, her eyes narrowed. Ukyo rolled her eyes and left the hostage talk to her.

"You two are the very first women to live in my new harem! Ahahaha!"

The two girls paled. "AHHHH!"

"AHH-MFF!"

"Shut up!" Ranma yelled using his inside voice. "We have to stop him! Who knows what he'll do to them!"

Interesting images passed through both of their heads... Ranma shook his head furiously and looked over Ryouga, who had his hand clamped over his nose.

Ranma rolled his eyes. "Come on, we've got to save them already! They don't stand a chance against him!"

"DON'T TOUCH ME!"

"GET OFF!"

-WHAM-

-CLANG-

"Pervert."

"Jackass."

"Ouch..."

Ryouga and Ranma winced as Happosai (1) was clobbered to the floor. "You were saying?"

"Right. How could I forget how much of a macho tomboy Akane is? HAHAHA!" Dead silence. "She's right behind me, isn't she?"

Ryouga nodded and watched with some amount of enjoyment as Akane malleted Ranma to the ground.

"Psst, Ryouga!" Ukyo called as Akane and Ranma got into another heated argument. She tugged on his sleeve until he granted her his attention. "Listen, I've got an idea. How does the idea of..." she looked around just in case anyone was eavesdropping. "Nabiki and Kuno?"

"Nabiki and Kuno?" he echoed dumbly. "How do you figure?"

She grinned. "Do you remember that day I took you to Furinkan to get those youth potions? And after that, we got you enrolled?"

He nodded attentively.

"Well, while you were taking the entrance exam, I decided to go looking around the school. Everyone had left already... or so I thought."

_While on her stroll, Ukyo wondered if Ryouga was doing okay... then she realized she needn't worry. Even though the guy was a total moron, he'd get in for sure. _

_Besides, anyone and anyTHING could get in FURINKAN. Except that psycho, Kodachi. That was why she didn't study there, Ukyo suspected._

_She thought about how she was better than Kodachi and other similar things, cheerfully skipping along the halls until she heard talking in one of the classrooms. _

_The voices sounded familiar, so she skidded to a halt. She stood hidden, back flat against the wall, straining her ears. _

_Finding the position uncomfortable and... lacking good view, she twisted a bit so that she could listen AND keep a discrete yet watchful eye on the victims._

_"If you don't stop talking, Kuno-chan, then we won't be able to finish tyding up the class like we were asked to."_

_"You! Have it not been for you and your manipulative attempts to... to seduce our teacher into giving us a grade that we did not deserve!" he spat, pointing an accusing finger at Nabiki. "You and your... bribery! And you had to drag me into your dirty work!"_

_"Seduce?" Nabiki said, feigning disgust. She turned from the fishtank that she was cleaning. "Nothing of the sort, Kuno-chan. If you haven't noticed by now, I act that way with all my business associates, such as yourself. Unless... you think I have been seducing you." _

_Kuno turned away and continued to clean the board so she wouldn't see his embarrassment. Even Ukyo could tell that Nabiki was holding back a laugh. _

_"I was only trying to tell him that if he gave us a more... appealing grade for our project...then I would lower his interest rates by-" _

_Kuno glared at her through angry eyes. "You... you will forever be the cause of all my misfortunes! You... vile sorceress! Tendo Nabiki, I despise you!"_

_Instead of answering with the infamous 'I'm so glad', Nabiki smirked. "Ah, but isn't that Ranma you're talking about?"_

_Kuno spluttered incoherently before responding. "You AND him! You pair are the foundation of my misery!" _

_Nabiki looked slightly annoyed for a very brief moment, before snapping back to reality and regaining her usual self. "My, Kuno-chan. I never thought you knew we were a couple. Not many people realize that." The statement was dipping quite heavily in sarcasm, but as there was a fine line between Nabiki's actual sarcasm and her ordinary tone, Kuno and his EXTRAORDINARY sense of observation failed to realize it._

_"You and the Saotome fiend are lovers?! That dispicable man!" and then he chuckled dramatically. "Ah, but what a fool he is to lay a finger on Tendo Nabiki! Fear not, I, Tatewaki Kuno, The Blue Thunder of Furinkan High, shall smite him for you! AHAHAHAHAHA!"_

_The deafening silence that followed could only mean two things- shock and embarrassment. The sudden outburst from Kuno must have thrown the mighty Nabiki off gaurd and speechless._

_More silence._

_"Automatic reaction?"_

_"I suppose so."_

_"Mm-hmm."_

_Then they returned to their classroom chores without another word._

_Meanwhile, Ukyo was stiffling one of the biggest laughs ever, thinking repeatedly to herself... _I have GOT to get those two together AS SOON AS POSSIBLE!

_... before running out the floor happily. _

"Do you see it now?" she pushed.

"Yeah... except for the part about me being a total moron! What was that about?"

She patted him on the back and ignored the question. "Okay, here's the plan."

* * *

"Do you get everything?" 

Ryouga nodded.

"Great... now we've got to find that mirror."

"Looking for this?" Happosai asked, waving it in front of their faces. Mistake again. They took long enough to discuss things for him to come back to conciousness.

Ukyo dived for it, but he caught her by the arm and kept the mirror out of reach. "I don't think so... and you two ladies aren't going anywhere, either."

"SHUT UP!" Ranma yelled, running over to fight him.

As Ranma and Happosai got into a heated fight, Ukyo saw it fit to tell Ryouga her plan.

"Whatever happens, you've got to do it!"

"What? But- what about- you... you're-" he struggled to say.

"Come back later! There's still something I've got to do here! Come on! Make sacrifices for love!"

"Who will I get to take your place?"

"Get Nabiki to do it!"

"But- I- I don't have that much money!"

"You'll think of something, you're not a total moron!" by this time, Ranma had momentarily knocked Happosai out. He saw his chance and grabbed Akane.

He, Akane and Ryouga ran for the exit while they could.

Ukyo seemed to laugh and wave at them as they left.

And then Ryouga recalled his words.

_Except for the part about me being a total moron! What was that about?_

* * *

Akane blinked confusedly at the heart-breaking conversation that Ukyo and Ryouga had. Were they a couple? Awww... how sweet... she told Ranma about it. 

Ranma thought about it. Ukyo and... Ryouga...? Hey, hey, not a bad idea! Cool. But what was that stuff about Nabiki? Did he have a thing for her too? Weird...

"Heeey, P-chan!"

Ryouga swung. "Don't call me that anymore!" He inhaled slowly to regain himself. "Come on. Let's go find the others."

* * *

"Spatula girl gone?" Shampoo asked hopefully. 

Ryouga ignored her and walked over to the table where the stolen Mirror from france had been carelessly placed. He grabbed it and ordered everyone to grab hold of him.

"Take us to Nerima!"

* * *

"You pig-headed idiot! What the hell did you do that for?" Ranma yelled in his face once they had successfully returned home. 

"Trust me, Ukyo can take care of herself for just a little while.Right now, there's something I've got to do." With that, he made his way toward Nabiki, but was pulled back slightly when he felt Ranma's tight hold on his arm.

"What're you talking about, man? You're just gonna leave your woman behind?"

Ryouga blinked. "My...woman...?" he raised an eyebrow. "What the hell are you talking about now, Ranma?"

"You mean you guys- you aren't- then what was- eh..."

Ryouga rolled his eyes and continued on his journey to Nabiki.

* * *

"So... you want me to do the job while Ukyo's gone? Are you that desperate? Couldn't it have waited?" She badgered. 

Ryouga shrugged. "Her orders. So, how much will it cost me?"

Nabiki thought for a while... a long while. Until finally she seemed to come up with a decision. "I'll do it for free."

And she left Ryouga feeling speechless, but quite proud of himself nevertheless.

* * *

Later that day, everything was ready. Except for one thing... 

"Excuse me, Kasumi... have you seen the Kunos?"

"The Kunos?" she echoed demurely. "Hmm, I haven't seen them in quite a while. Perhaps you should ask Ranma."

"I did." he sighed. "I asked everyone except... ugh... Happosai." he rolled his eyes. It was reeeally creepy how that guy was unusually charming and chivalrous. Really. Well, as a last resort, he thought it wouldn't hurt... much.

* * *

"The Kunos?" he said. He frowned. "Well... alright. I will bring them with me." 

"Er... okay."

* * *

LATER THAT DAY... 

"What do you want from me, Tendo Nabiki?" Kuno demanded.

"Your attention." she said in that as-if-sticky-sweet voice. "And your money."

He narrowed his eyes.

She looked behind him. "Oh, and you must be Kodachi." she smiled that I'm-gonna-get-me-some-money smile.

"Good day." she told her boredly, and then turned to her brother. "What are we doing here?"

"Paying good money to see an excellent show." Nabiki answered for him, sticking her hand out persistently.

"A show?" the Kuno's said in unison.

"Yes." she replied. "I think you will enjoy it very much." she held up a poster that she had made herself.

The poster showed a picture of Akane and the "pig-tailed girl" and Ranma.

The title, screaming in bold letters, said "The Cursed Springs." The subtext under that, also practically screaming with its eyecatching colors, said "A True Story".

The brother and sister gaped at the picture and then handed Nabiki their money.

"An extra five hundred for front seats!" Nabiki said encouragingly.

Tatewaki and Kodachi fell for it hook, line, and sinker.

"Right this way, please." she said, ushering them into the garden of the Tendo residence, where the pond was, and where a full crowd sat excitedly on bleachers that have been set up.

* * *

After a few more minutes of noise from the audience, the show began. 

"Ladies and gentlemen!" Nabiki announced from the center. "We are proud to present to you the very sad and very true story of everyone's favorite Martial Arts master, Saotome Ranma!"

The crowd cheered like crazy.

Akane twitched at the additonal compliment from where she was standing.

Ranma merely muttered to himself, "I can't believe I'm giving my secret away for THIS."

"One day, Genma and Ranma Saotome travelled to China to Jusenkyo, the location of the infamous cursed springs." Nabiki began.

Ryouga pushed Ranma and Genma on to the stage, and they cooperated. They began to fight just as they always did, only this time, with horrible, sad puns, but let's not go into that. They began jumping onto the sticks that have been set-up, until Ranma finally managed to kick his father off of one. Genma fell into the water screaming.

"Now, ordinary water would not have done anything too tragic." Nabiki said. "But this was NOT ordinary water."

Genma crawled out of the pond in his adorable panda form.

"Oho! You fall into cursed spring where panda once drown!" Ryouga said in his costume, sweatdropping at his attempt at mimicry.

"Thanks to his incident, whenever this man gets hit by cold water, he turns into a panda!" Nabiki announced.

The audience gasped and pointed and cheered.

Genma made an angry, not understandable sound adressed to Ranma, and charged for him.

Ranma, laughing and caught off gaurd, was knocked into the water this time.

The crowd waited closely, probably expecting Ranma to turn into a panda as well.

Kodachi watched the closest.

Out popped Ranma, red hair and all, standing up so everyone could see his girly figure. (This was in the script, sadly.)

"Oho!" Ryouga cried again. He was actually pretty good at this. "You fall into cursed spring where young girl once drown!"

"Curse this!" Ranma shouted at the sky, shaking his fist in the air, all for dramatic effect.

"And now, everytime Ranma gets hit by cold water, he turns into a girl!" Nabiki said, sniffing loudly. "It's quite tragic."

The crowd was either screaming or laughing like crazy.

All except for two very silent watchers in the front row.

"However." Nabiki continued, walking upto the panda and the girl as they stood side by side. "They turn back into their true forms, once they are hit with hot water." she poured some of the stuff on both of them to demonstrate.

They stood still and immediately turned back to normal.

"When they returned to Japan." Nabiki continued. "Genma surprised Ranma by telling him that he was to marry one of the Tendo

daughters." her voice seemed to get darker and softer. "And so Ranma was forced into obeying."

Ryouga shoved the two onto the stage again, and they put up a fight once more.

"That day itself, the Tendo family found out about their secret." She did not explain how, for the reason that whenever she would ask either Ranma or Akane, they would refuse to answer her.

"Ranma was to choose between Kasumi, the eldest Tendo daughter..."

In walked Kasumi, right on cue, who positioned herself promptly on the set-up.

"Yours truly, the middle Tendo daughter..."

She glided over to the scene for a moment and positioned herself boredly beside her sister, still holding the mike.

"Or..." she took a moment to gather herself. "Akane, the youngest Tendo daughter."

Akane walked into the scene hesitantly, and positioned herself beside Nabiki, being slow about it, knowing what was coming next.

"Once they all learned the Saotomes' secret, everyone said that Ranma was perfect for Akane."

Tendo was standing nearby, nodding along proudly with his good friend Saotome, and his first two daughters.

Akane and Ranma looked down, embarrassed, and blushed- without having to be told to do so.

"And as it turned out..." she smirked. "They were right."

They started to push Ranma and Akane together until they hardly had any space inbetween them. The two DID look absolutely perfect together, even if only everyone but them thought so.

"So that's how the story goes, everyone. Any questions?"

"Sure, I got one!" some brave guy from the crowd said, standing up so he could be seen.

"Yeah?" she was prepared for all questions about the cursed springs.

"Does that mean Akane's taken?" he asked stupidly.

"Umm. Yeah. I guess." she said, nodding slowly.

A bunch of complaints from the guys, and a bunch of cheers from the girls.

"Wait!" one girl said, shooting her hand up in the air.

"Yeah?"

She stood up too. "Does that mean Ranma's taken too?"

"Yeah. I guess so." she shrugged it off.

A bunch of girls began to scream out complaints.

"Well, I'm gonna keep trying!" said one loser.

There were lots of annoying "yeah's" heard in the audience.

Nabiki rolled her eyes as everyone left, chatting excitedly about what they saw- everyone except the Kunos', who were still frozen in their seats.

Ryouga, the Saotomes and the Tendos hurried over to them.

* * *

"Are you alright?" Ryouga asked them. 

They were both very pale- the Kunos, that is.

And then...

"Dark Magic..."

"Eh?"

"Evil sorcerer Hibiki who dreams as well of the fair Akane Tendo! A practicioner of Dark Magic! If only I had known all this time..." he pulled out his bokken and aimed it at him. "I shall protect her from your evil withcraft!"

"WHAAT?!" Ryouga screamed. "You moronic jackass, _(Ah, picking up Ukyo's vocabulary, already, eh?, _thought Ranma.) you got it all wrong!"

But Kuno wouldn't hear it. "Insolent fool! You DARE insult Tatewaki Kuno with your vulgar talk?!"

Ryouga opened his mouth to retort, but Nabiki, surprisingly, beat him to it. "You still don't get it?"

Heads turned to her, as everyone noticed her unusually emotional tone. The mirthful coldness had been replaced by something frustrated and snappy.

"I understand the story perfectly well, Nabiki Tendo, if that is your question."

"Well it isn't. It isn't my question." she answered. She almost seemed to shake with anger, but that was impossible for her. Wasn't it? "What part of 'true story' don't you understand?"

He seemed mildly insulted. "I understand that your greediness has led you to fool the others with those words. True story, indeed! A man that turns into a woman when splashed with cold water? Impossible!"

Her mouth hung agape in disbelief. She stared at him angrily, her eyes narrowed. "Not as impossible as you." she hissed, and turned on her heel.

Ryouga gulped as she took her exit. That didn't go quite as planned. "Oh... Ukyo's going to kill me..."

* * *

**A/N- Okay... I apologize for that, it was kind of badly written, I guess. I was in a hurry for reasons I will not discuss. (gasp)**

**Anyway, PLEASEPLEASE review? thank yoou! **


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